Trof's land of randomness

Facts And Fiction

2007-01-17T06:43:00.000-08:00

Now how often have you known that the Smart Arse in the corner of the pub on a Saturday night isn't so clever after all, but just couldn't put your finger on the facts ? Well now is your chance to out smart the Clever Dick with an easy to print out and keep Trofs random guide to the ......

Ten Biggest Factualities

1 - The novel '1984' by George Orwell was never intended to refer to the year 1984, it was merely a reversal of the last two digits of the year it was written -1948. It was actually was written as a forecast of the year 1988 and contained an uncannily accurate prediction of the Wimbledon's FA Cup win of that year, later dropped as being to gruesome to contemplate

2 -In the film 'Casablanca' Humphrey Bogart never says "Play it again Sam" This is a common miss-quote of the real line that was "Here's two nickels. Stick them in the juke box Sam"

3 - I want to hold your hand' was not the first Beatles hit. Their first top 20 UK hit was 'Heartbreak Hotel' which like most of there early work they recorded under the name of Elvis Presley

4 - Bombay duck is not a duck at all but a small red, pineapple shaped fruit that grows in north Essex. Hence the wide boy expression of "Fancy a Bombay duck darling?"

5 - American was not discovered by Columbus but by a 14th century monk who thought he had landed in Scarborough on a busy bank holiday weekend

6 - The tree in the garden of Eden was not an apple tree. It was an extremely large fruit-bearing geranium, which was quite common in the Far East at the time

7 - 'Neighbours' is not the longest running Australian soap opera ........... It just seems like it

8 - Andorra is not the smallest country in Europe. That honour falls to Belgium, which is about the size of the high street in Stoke-On-Trent. Incidentally Hercule Poirot and Tintin are not Belgianesse. They are fictional characters and under international law can't claim citizenship of any country, apart from Spain

9 - Abba are not the most successful band to come out of Sweden but in fact started out as a folk music quartet from Norfolk called 'Tone Deaf Foot Stompers'

10 - Websponge is not a site on the internet but a small, hairy marsupial with hideously deformed genitalia

11 Their are only five colours in a rainbow the other two were added by kids on YTS scheme to fill up there time

12 Trof can't count

Home Truths

2006-11-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

Swindon, this is Swindon

As an occasional commenter on other peoples lives I thought it was only fair to tell you something about where I live and let to comment on mine. The reader may learn much or little about much about the character, literary integrity and mental health of the author. Of Swindon, however, you will discover next to nothing
Now as any one with a monochrome of intelligence will readily concede that such a place could only exists in the minds of people that childhoods were spent in a wicker basket and grew up to be Hamster thieves, flower molesters, workers for the government or in Wiltshire and here I have collected a few bits of radical slander concerning Swindon

The town as a whole has a smell about it like the back seat of the night bus home and the origins of the town are vague as the town records are mostly filled with Saxon porn, mostly raunchy tapestries of naked flames and mice orgies and most of the family trees are elaborately forged to hide any sign of relatives from Birmingham. It's clear from the heavy accent and fondness for dishes cooked in preparation H that the towns founders followed a walking chimney called Isehard Condon Bumshell who's claim to fame is that he build a bridge out of suspenders and a boat that didn't sink but it did crash and his life can be traced through old copies of The Framley Examiner

Swindon is marked as a red splotch on all R.U.A.C. maps and finding it is meet with the same regret as the sudden death of a mad gerbil and the only people to visit are ether hopelessly lost or completely unhinged. The local beauty spot, which is more a wart called Coat Water and is a series of lakes shaped like semen stains on a porn stars breasts where you can hire inflatable seahorses and paddle to the many kidney stone shaped islands
The town itself is split into about 12 housing estates each one looking like a very large and unwell animal suffered a series of disappointing bowel movements randomly. The town council's incompetence is only bettered by there gullibility and has a mayor that is elected in a flurry of ballot box rigging every 6 weeks who is assisted in his duties by a rather large staff (as in their mostly fat) which do nothing but origami and police (emphasis on the lice) who mostly extract confessions from lamp posts or small roundabouts

Swindonians are an unattractive but annoying people. Slow, sullen and yet dull to the touch they prefer to lead simple lives of cerebral squalor. The locals seldom exceed three foot in height but can easily over power someone half there size if they used the element of surprise. Their faces have the pimpled malevolence that suggests a deep desire for obscene phone calls and when they smile their is something about the way that they wag there 12 inch tongues that make women smile and babies cry.

Their are three types of people in sunny Swindon Townies, Crusties and Carrot Crunchers so first I will start with the ..........

Carrot Crunchers
Now these prefer to live in the hill-side where they mug rabbits and worry small kittens and make living hiring themselves out as torpedoes for action man toys. They give dull parties and small presents

Townies
Most townies shorten there names and elbows and have well ordered simple lives of eating, drinking, singing, dancing and passing bad cheques. Occasionally volunteering for war as target practice, but for which side is always unclear. They give poor service and bad directions

Crusties
Crusties dress in a disguise of an itinerant grave robber and have all the charm of a cornered rat. They have long clever fingers that spend a good deal of time around the necks of small furry animals and in other peoples pockets and spend most evening playing tupping games with dim-witted quadrupeds. They give lame excuses and venereal disease

So now you know all there is to know about the land of the mini-roundabout want to tell me about where you live ?

This Years Oxygen Thief's

2006-11-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

This is some thing I wrote in the early summer round about the Sunday after Big Brother started, but what with me fucking up my password and e-mail I never posted it, still here it is , what I thought about this years Big Brother contestants

This Years Oxygen Thief's

So for all those that are lucky not to live in this constantly rainy, beautiful isle with the hose pipe ban, have no TV after you swapped it for some magic beans (thinking they were magic mushrooms) or maybe you're blind and dumb, which begs the question how are you reading this ?? So it's with a heavy heart I can say Big Brother 7 has hit the screens. The show that we all love or hate or love to hate or in my case hate to love and hate at the same time. Now this is the seventh incarnation of the reality TV/social experiment and each year, as much as I try, I find myself drawn in more and more. i have strong suspicions that Channel 4 are using subliminal messages to make me watch more even tough each year my loathing grows of the gibbon brained oxymoronically named Housemates, as they are not mates and it not a house, it's a studio. But still watching them all parade around like a cross between circus animals and a traveling freaks and geeks show somehow makes me feel intellectually superior and a normal well adjusted person in every way. So lets have a look at this years (single) cell mates in the TV prison

Lea
Oh dear where do I start...... A whore in sluts clothing, says she is 35, whats that in years on Jupiter?? An Ex porn star no less or so she claims, but I've see plenty of ropey porn with hideously faked titted hadrians in it to make that seem plausible and I lead be believe that she was in a film call Casting Cuties, I take it they cast her in stone, because shes as old as the hills and don't get me started on their use of the word cuties!! She must be the only person on the plant that doesn't consider herself a freak, and gets upset if people criticise her oversize breasts, well don't hang them in everyone's faces then you stupid bint. She makes my eyes bleed looking at her and has more wrong with her that and corrupt African dictatorship. She looks like Pete Burns and Jackie Stallone's love child and claims to have the biggest tits in the UK, well sadly BB beat you to it as they have the biggest tits in the house this year going by the name Glyn and Pete, still I sure she could carve out a career as a presenter on Eurotrash

Bonnie
That's pronounced Bonn-eh, get over yourself you proteinous cow. Says she's sexy, funny and everything (her words not mine) well does the everything include thick, stupid and self centred. Dresses like a 12 year old that's colour blind. She was first in the house and still never made it to to of my favorites list

Richard
I wonder if many people call him Dick, I know I would. He's a Canadian which, for those not in the know are like Americans only with funny shaped heads. Says he loved big dumb men .... so that means he loves himself (no surprises their then). He looks like the Right Said Fred member that was rejected. I can see him making a career as a gay porn-star when he leaves the house

George
Is part of the royal family, which translates too is from a dysfunctional socially inept, inbreed family with little understanding of the realities of living in the real world much like you would find on Jerry Springer but with more money (but less sense). Another one of those people that claim to hate "hyper-gays" but still got on fabulously with Shahbez and the big Dick on the first night. He's a lot like watch a video of paint dry only in slow motion

Grace
A Sloane ranger which means she's superficial and materialistic. Says she doesn't do fake, apart from the tan, personality, insincerity, compassion .... lacks personality and charm and doesn't sound that posh. I've met people from Slough that sound posher. Amazing Grace ?? ... but that would only be her opinion

Shahbaz
Name like a west side rapper, acts like a backside fudge packer. His parents deserve a son like that after all they named him after a David Blane catchphrase, do you think they had another child and call it You can't beet a bit of bully. He sounds like Queer eye for the straight gay went to Balamory. Claims to be intelligent and unemployable which translates to mean lazy.

Glyn
Now this hunk of a man was voted best looking lifeguard in North Wales .... I never knew that it was that baron and desolate. Bodies not so much Baywatch more like Crime-watch. Says that boys threw stones at him when he was a kid and doesn't know why, most probably why I want to throw them at him now. With that body I'm assuming that he's the lifeguard of a children's back garden paddling pool, and he better save his energy as someone like Lea is going to eat him alive, he'd better tie a plank across his arse to stop himself from falling in. Still I can see a long career as the new Mr Mussels man after leaving

Dawn
Our first manic depressive in the house "I've got no friends, I'll die alone etc, etc ..... " but funny enough she seemed to be friendly and chatty enough with all the reprobates on the first night. With luck she'll crack and kill Shahbaz and Pete, oh fuck it she can work her way thought the lot for all I care. Wants to be reincarnated as either Hitler or Jesus which only proves she has little imagination and doesn't understand reincarnation that well. But it's nice to know that she's friendless, because that means she hasn't inflicted her dourer personality only the general public up till now

Mikey
Half Veron Key half Richard Ashcroft .......... all twat. Says his best feature is his pecks, now I've always thought that people that claim that one of their muscle groups as their best feature must be seriously lacking in any personality and charisma and he just proves me right. Uninspiring in every way

Lisa
If I'm not mistaken that's Tingtong from Little Britain. Said what you see is what you get ..... what I see is a loud mouthed Mancunian slapper. She walks like shes in need of a really big shit and sits with all the grace of a 18 stone builder and hasn't found her indoor voice yet, I'm thinking that shes sponsored by paracetamol. I just hope they don't have any tasks that involve table tennis as she would be hiding those balls in seconds and be show everyone her party trick

Imogen
She sure loves herself and thinks all men fancy her ........... so you have to wonder why she's been single for a year. Says she would most like to meet Marilyn Monroe, well with any luck Dawn might flip out and grant the Welsh strumpet her wish. Claims that her profession is a bar hostess which I always thought it's an innuendo for prostitute

Pete *wanker*
First impression is what a cock and I doubt that will change *twat*. Says he has Tourettes, I say he has a chromosome missing and had a lobotomy *git*. Had a bigger entrance than a porn-stars well worn front bottom after twenty years of service *arsehole*. 13 weeks of dancing and whistling ........ can't wait .... a non stop Jim Carrie impression but without any off switch *shit for brains* (who'd have thought that Tourettes was infectious *what a complete arse*). He could get very annoying quite quickly ......... oops he just has

Sezer
He's not a geezer more of a sleezer. Well Caesar got stabbed in the back by a bunch of people he thought were friends ........... funny how history can keep repeating it self

Nikki
Spelt with an i, Why?Says people can watch her for hours, so much like a lava lamp then. She brought in two bottles of Lambrini into the house, now if that isn't class then what is! Also says she's special well there's a class in the school near where I live that is full of special kids just like her. Dressed like a playboy bunny, nice to see shes got that myxomatosis look just right. And before she entered the house she said "I can't breath" which got my hopes up as I thought here comes the first live Big Brother death. Still if Dawn snaps she could stab them all in there sleep. As she descended the stairs into the house you could almost hear the producer saying "That's the money shot." Works as a model and promotions girl ... yet more innuendo from prostitute and I think she's just another wannabe ...... what she wants to be is beyond me

So just another rag bag collection of Chavs, pikeies and self obsessed arseholes but this year there are only 3 gay people but at least the makers have found 14 contortionists this year as they all seem to be walking around with there heads up there arses. And the audience done themselves proud again this year by booing them on the way in

Still I'm off to buy all the Kit-Kat's I can find and if I get a golden ticket then I'll give it to my mate psycho Phil who has his own axe not forgetting to hide all his Prozac just before he goes

The History Of The World Pt - 2

2006-11-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

I told you not to hold your breath ...........

Still it only been just over a year and about for ever from my last up date

What can I say ................ I'm a lazy fuck, so sue me

So as promised hears the .................

The History Of The World Pt - 2

The Stoned Age
History is very hazy and unclear as to there is a lot of short term memory loss and all that's known is that a lot Pringles and Mars bars were eaten afterwards

The Romans
The next thing to happen was the Romans. They were a completely pathetic bunch of tossers who used to sit around in baths eating grapes, inventing central heating and straight roads. The only good thing they ever managed to do was to invent gladiators and chariot racing. But because they were so weedy the Romans had to get other people to do all the fighting for them and collect the best maniacs from all over the world like the Gauls, Visigoths, Vandals, Huns, Thugs, Picts, Celts and Rangers and people like Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan and Hulk Hogan but once they were brought to Rome they saw how utterly girly and wet the Romans were and smashed up the Coliseum and the Parthenon

The Vikings
Now the Vikings were the hardest and funniest people ever. Inventing black metal, raping, pillaging and drink larger. The Vikings drank a lot of larger and when pissed made up all sorts of things like horns on your hat and being horny, even days of the week were there idea, apart from Sunday which was made up by a load of do good bloody Christians who wanted to free publicity for Sunday schools. But after a few years they all pissed off back to Denmark in Germania land to make lots of good films about naked lesbian nuns and overly hairy housewives with bad perms and make-up that was put on by a trowel and we were left with only stupid wars over things like roses and ended up with a ginger haired King

The Industrial Revolution
Now when history teachers tell you this was a really boring period, they're lying. It was amazing and very important, anyone who says other wise needs a kick in the slabs. Because that was when all the good stuff was invented like trains, surgery, guns, tanks, synthesizers, hard and soft drugs, and DJ'ing with dance music and it all went hand in hand with the destruction of boring areas of natural landscape and woodland. Now the Greens and the save the hedgehog types who always try and stop the humane gassing of millions of little creatures to make way for nice clean 6 lane motorways and lovely dangerous chemical plants that it was a bad time but as we all know they are talking crap
And so this leads us to the modern age and the 3 best things ever
1) Thoughts tiny little plastic tables with 3 legs that you find in pizza boxes which are always handy if you have small mice round of tea
2) Blogging
3) Everything else

So if like me you like to get totally mashed while watching your favourite film on pirate DVD while driving down the motorway at 100 mph and listening to the radio on your i-pod headset at the same time as you phone your multimedia adviser on your G3 Blue Tooth W.A.P hands free phone and simultaneously surf the net for porn on your laptop while having neurosurgery performed on you by robots then this truly is our golden age ............... Enjoy it while it lasts

This Is sex Itself

2005-07-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

To snap myself out of this apathetic lugubrious mood I thought I would indulge myself with one of the horniest things know to man a ........ pylons (electric ones)

Looks soooooooo cool don't you think ???

If I was any good at photoshop I would put white socks on it

This one is on the Ladygrove Estate, Didcot and stands north of the town on the land situated between A4130 and Lady Grove Lane

Don't know about you but is it give me the horn

Apathetic Post Holiday Post

2005-07-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've pretty much been doing nothing. I've just been sitting around not getting anything done. I've just been letting everything wash over me lately, but life goes on.

My Spam Tastes Funny

2005-06-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

This spam leaves a funny taste in my mouth

OK I know that spam, although may not be right, is part of internet life but I have this great love hate relationship with it, I hate having to have a spam filter and to have to reset it/tweak things each time I join some new mailing list for the latest stupid/crap thing I find on the net

But the other side of it is what I find in my 'bulk mail box' and I did once take up all the offers I got in a week and ended up not only with a 37 foot penis (by adding the 3" at a time) but I found a lack of blood in the rest of my body after the 100 bottles of Viagra, and I am sort of reassured by the fact that at least I'm important enough to get some .......... imagine how far down the social ladder you would have to be for the spammers to think "Oh don't bother with him"

The other thing I find is the sort of spam I get when I first got my new computer and did a lot of work online answering questions of a physics nature and giving the once over to peoples ideas and adding scientific input I got loads offering me amazing deals on credit cards and bank loans, time shares and opportunities, now day I do *cough* other thing and it's all make it bigger and keep it up potions, though the one thing that they don't understand is the stuff I surf for makes it grow and stay that way ..... well for a while

So with the bomb shell conclusion of you are what your spammed hear are two junk mails I got in the last two weeks and I'm worried as to what it means I am (but obviously not that worried)

Number One was entitled "Get the Rollax you've dreamt of " ...
I've always dreamt of one like James Bond with a laser and a secret wire to garrotte poeple with but there you go

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
nah biometrikablythe academia actinium bela affluence. cockeye curia checksum almond book conquer. chrysler corrosion anorthite. breadboard bandage citywide bilingual bismuth. combinatorial anthracite cogent corpuscular cessna convulse. bathtub australia casanova agnostic. conceive athwart compensatory. abusable coincide cream anchorage algebraic cobblestone. avow buzzer contextual clapeyron. boca chubby blackjack accelerate billboard alongside. bootstrap clay avogadro aldrin blurb. class begrudge clockwork crockery castanet. bogging altogether cytology. blossom bellboy briar byers cheek. clipboard curvaceous customary. dairyman chosen churchwomen. coronet bakhtiari bauhaus abhorrent. agrarian arachnid coextensive avogadro beadle. bordello church buffalo conclave ambiguity.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The obviously spelt wrong brand name followed by just shear gibberish is beautiful and the second just transcends all description

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LS0tLS0tLS0tLSBGb3J3YXJkZWQgbWVzc2FnZSAtLS0tLS0tLS0tCkZyb206
IEZyZWVMaXN0cyBNYWlsaW5nIExpc3QgTWFuYWdlciA8ZWNhcnRpc0Bmc
mVlbGlzdHMub3JnPgpEYXRlOiBBcHIgMjcsIDIwMDUgMjoxNyBBTQpTdWJq
ZWN0OiBzbm9wZXM6IHNwb29uczkwMjAxQHlhaG9vLmNvbSBwb3N0IG5lZ
WRzIGFwcHJvdmFsClRvOiBiYXJtaWtAZ21haWwuY29tCgoKVGhpcyBtZXNzY
WdlIHdhcyByZWNlaXZlZCBmb3IgYSBsaXN0IHlvdSBhcmUgYSBtb2RlcmF0b3
Igb24sIGFuZAp3YXMgbWFya2Vk ..........
...........RD48L1REPjwvVFI+PC9UQk9EWT48L1RBQkxFPjwvRElWPjxwPl9fX19
fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fX19fPGJyPkR
vCllvdSBZYWhvbyE/PGJyPlRpcmVkIG9mIHNwYW0/ICBZYWhvbyEgTWFpb
CBoYXMgdGhlIGJlc3Qgc3BhbQpwcm90ZWN0aW9uIGFyb3VuZCA8YnI+aHR
0cDovL21haWwueWFob28uY29tCi0tMC00OTAyOTgxOTAtMTExNDU5MzQ2
NT06ODYxMC0tCi8vIGVvbXBvc3QgNDI2RjU4QkI6MzFBMC4xOmZhYmNyZgo=
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've cut out about a 1000 or so lines of it but you get the idea

Your Stars For This Month

2005-06-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

This is or was an idea I had in which I was going to write one a month and have a year of stars but alas I'm lazy and only made two and a half of them still have a read it's better than working

Bloggers has teamed up with a leading newspaper and acquired the services of a top bullshit artist and astronomer Septic Peg to bring you your Horror Scope (formally know as The Spastics Society)

Aries
It's a month of turmoil and change for you, you'll probably lose your job or get mugged and stabbed or something but don't let it get you down as next month it will be worse

Taurus
Your spouse has been cheating be-hind your back, with your best friend most probably (the bastard). Kill him and confront her with your suspicions, and don't let the two faced lying cow worm her way out of it with a pack of lies

Gemini
You will meet a tall dark stranger who will nick you for those dodge DVD's that you got from that weird looking bloke in the pub a few months back

Cancer
You will be feeling suicidal and depressed this month. The best thing to do is stay in-doors and not irritate your so called friends with your hopeless problems and miserable face

Leo
A workmate is planning to steel job from you. Wait for them after work .......... remember violence is the only language they understand

Virgo
Everyone hates you and are talking be-hind your back and they are all plotting against you. Try to keep you chin up and don't get to paranoid

Libra
Its time to take stock of your love life and that could end in a painful experience with a loved one. So stick to the right hole for now and forget the butt-plug for a while

Scorpio
Your life is a hopelessly void. But things are looking up at the end of the month when you get arrested

Sagittarius
Your love life won't be improving much this month. Have you thought of plastic surgery or paying for it

Capricorn
Their is a member of your family that despises you and now it's time to let them know that the feeling is mutual. Don't forget to go round there tooled up

Aquarius
It's time to take the bull by the horns and make that animal fetish video you have always dreamed of

Pisces
This is your lucky month for you as the boil on your genitals goes septic and that wins you a prize on the local radio

If today is your birthday
Happy birthday !! Stop reading this and go and get pissed

Big Brother .... Why Bother

2005-06-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

Below is my attempt at a Big Brother observation

Well look what has hit the TV screens in the sunny isle of England, why it's Big Brother 6, aren't we all lucky, you know when summer is here and it's festival season or time to go out at weekends, have BBQ's, shave the cat and generally do anything other than watch TV. Now don't get me wrong out of the reality TV shows it is by far the best, but then it's like saying out of the World wars the second one was best. Although the idea of seeing 12 people who have never met before all trying to get along while forced to share in a confined space is still a good one

But the thing that I detest is the people that are the 'big fans' who vote on these things ??? you got to worry about the mentality of people some times, each year they praise and reward bitchyness, being two faced, childish name calling and a profusion of other bad personality traits, were else in normal life would anyone say "wow I like you because you're a bloke that wears 4" high heels and a Sari just because you are on camera, responds like a 10 year old when ever anyone says something you don't like, screams at people for mentioning your name in a conversation but constantly slags everyone off behind there backs" it's hard for me to believe that the general public must really like that sort of thing, and going by the large number of viewers compared to the small number of votes considering that some of these people vote 10 or 20 times, there must be a small band of fanatical followers that think that voting for a someone that is openly gay is a is a blow for equal rights, well sorry but when the person in question is an spiteful little shit like you find on Big Brother it puts your cause back some what
Anyway this started out as a meet your new house mates and what I think of them and sort of lost the plot somewhat, oh well ............ oh dear, how sad, never mind

What have we then .....

Anthony
If you watched the opening night then he was the one that worked the crowd like Tony Blair on acid. He's one of toughs government experiments of how little charisma can someone have and still survive. He's yet another of the plastic faced wannabes who has substituted personality for packaging. How sad, is there some new sort of surgery out there that I haven't heard of? Like liposuction except they vacuum out what integrity and honesty a person has and replaces it with that Botox's bovine look of a docile Hindu cow that happily wanders up the cat walk of destiny to have its life converted into meat and fodder for all the other little Bovine-people out there happily grazing across the mediocre fields of their own non-existence lives that are sapped by the insidious and malicious TV exec

Craig
Now he's the man on the opening night that declared "I have chosen not to have kids" well due to the lack of womb and the fact that he likes to shoot at the chocolate star fish as his under the bed cover sport of choice, I'm thinking that the decision was already made for him some how. Well the fat ugly little chipmunk that grows camper by the minute has only gone from sad to worse and burst into tears at the drop of a hat or the shit hits the side of the pan, with luck he'll have a nervous break down by week 4, fingers crossed

Derick
What an enigma ...... son of an electrician, born in south London, wonder where the accent came from. He was born posh as much as Dim Tim Westwood was born black. He's looks like what I imagine Kenneth Williams and Chris Eubanks love child would end up as. Well C3PO from the "ghetto" is a gay fox hunting Tory who's against gay marriages and same sex couples adopting ??? yeah I don't understand it either, but judging by the mood swings I'd say he's fast approaching the menopause and I would recommend HRT

Lesley
When I first wrote this out I filled about 5 pages on what I thought was wrong with her, everything from the out-fit she wore on the opening night (nice camera work by the way) and her spending all day with her tit's out each and every day, obviously to take the male viewers eyes away from the bingo wings and big belly, by the way her web site said she was size 12, I didn't believe it either (she wouldn't even make size 12 in hexadecimal)

Personally I think she would be Trinny and Susannah's biggest challenge and they could make a whole series on 'Lesley ... what not to wear' and although I'm no Brad Pitt I've never thought of myself as gods gift where as she can't see the fact that she is a minger and thinks she is alluring, I would use the word alarming. I've seen less slap in a spanking video than she wears on her face, and to any British media that maybe reading this she's not rounded/plump/cuddly/large/full figured ..... she's fat and she adjusts her tit's more than the average man adjusts his nuts

Kemal
Why? .... Please make it stop

Mokosi
She's the religious conceited Virgin with the earrings like TV aerials, a sort of Macy Gray/Lauryn Hill hybrid. She wants to be Whitney Houston, that will be the drug taking hypochondriac that married the serial philander Bobby Brown with any luck

Mary
Or Wednesday Adams all grown up, it's nice to see what Darth Vader looks like with-out the mask, apparently she has been abducted by aliens 5 times which proves
A) There maybe life out there but it sure isn't intelligent
B) Aliens do have a sense of humour as they keep on giving her back
Maybe a Vatican backed Scary Mary witch- hunt is in order

Maxwell
Corrr blimey, me old cock sparra, he's a proper diamond geezer!! By the sound of the list of things he hates he wants to be a black cab driver when he grows up. Though he's not really a cockney for a start, he's from north London, not east London. And he's a fairly typical north London geezer, pubs in Finsbury park are full of 'em, and he was even wearing a T-shirt advertising one the other day (but you'd have to a Gooner to know which one)

Roberto
The Italian Stallion or donkey if you like, with the authentic northern Italy Scouse accent. To me he looks a lot like Tommy Cooper in his younger days. Sadly he doesn't appear to come with any sort of volume control and continually spouts his ridiculous pearls of wisdom on any/every subject. He sees himself as the Godfather of the house but the way he acts is more Godmotherish, and he wears socks with sandals (which when worn together means you are meant to have a bushy beard) proving that Italians are not the height of class and sophistication

Sam
Surprisingly dull for a self proclaimed nymphomaniac, and I bet her local Mataland had to restock there range of bikinis after she when in the house, though her unique idea of "it's raining today I better ware the blue bikini then" seems to please me some how. Though the wearing of nothing but a bikini all the time and still no tan is a bit weird to me. She hardly talks but when she does it's always about sex, which isn't a bad thing ........... but her annoying fake laugh is

Saskia
She's a big girl isn't she. She's a wanabe actress or so she says and her big chest has stopped her getting jobs, I think that the only thing that stops her getting acting jobs is the fact she's crap at acting. Said she doesn't like dogs which is a lie as she seems perfectly fine when Lesley is in the same room as her

Science
Errrr can someone look up science in a dictionary and then show his mates !!!

For thoughs not in the know he's a sort of cross between John Tickle and Victor only taking the worst bit of them not the best, he's the 'Ghetto Gangster' from 't'up north by 'eke, maybe if he wins he'll buy a plain ticket to South Compton or the Bronx and see what real ghetto life is like and get down with some real homies like the Crips and see how long before they 'pop a cap in his ass'. Likes to think of himself as the street poet, a lyrical genius and after hearing him rap and him saying he's a producer but then tell us he's still learning how to use a mixing desk??? what talent is he meant to have ....... I bet Dr Dre must be shaking in his boots

Vanessa
And then that leaves us with Vanessa, who after being so loud no the first night sort of disappeared into the background, I personally think she is the only house mate that isn't fake or putting on an act hence why she comes across as dull as dish water, the poor girl needs a whole personality makeover even her voice sounds boring and dull she's the definition of this post...... a waste of space

So once more Emdermol have done the magic trick of care in the community in reverse by taking 13 weirdoes and locking them away, for not long enough though, still I shall no doubt be watching it with interest up until the last few weeks by which time all the ones that I like/hate the most would of been voted out and the ones left sit around talking crap for hours on end trying not to do anything that may spoil there chances of winning. Still football starts up soon with the Champions League qualifying rounds and preseason friendlys starting in July

And remember my life is no more interesting that anyone elses, but I don't have to go on TV and show everyone this

Beckham's Baby Boom

2005-06-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

England wonder boy David 'Golden Balls' Beckham is a wanted man ! The big bucks star of Real and England international is being hunted by a cloning expert who wants him to open an "account" at his "bank"

The boffin who wants David to say "yes" is after a couple of pints of the football gods love juices in the hope that one day he will be able to produce a whole team of Golden Ball clones who will dominate the sport for years to come
Top spermologist and genetic engineer Professor Franz Heinz Spaghettio's, a leading authority on cloning said that the science of duplicating biological forms is now possible with-out any problems. He told me over a pint in the pub that he had already produced a perfect duplicate of the race horse Shergar using a sample acquired from a friend of a friend. Unfortunately it disappeared without a trace just like the real horse did .......... which he claims is proof that it was a successful cloning.

Spaghettio's, an ardent football fan has been following Beckham around for the last 18 months and disguise himself as a hotel maid in the hope of retrieving a couple of globs from the bed sheets but as yet he said his hunt is proving unsuccessful

When I phoned to ask about the nutty Professor and his cloning capers all I got was an answer phone that spoke in Spanish and I couldn't understand it

History Of The World

2005-06-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well after 5 minutes of thinking I had a brain wave ......... once I recovered I thought 'I know I'll put something that is both enlightening and educational but I put this instead ......

History of the World Part 1
The Big Bang
At the very beginning of everything ever there was the most massive explosion ever. Unconceivable huge and it was most excellent. If you can imagine drinking ten pints of turps, holding your breath for an hour, going out and eating an extra-hot vindaloo curry meal for 6, running on the spot 10 minutes then drinking 7 bottles of laxities, then pouring paraffin down the toilet and setting it on fire and rushing in to do a massive dump that would be nothing compared to this. Now sceptics will probably say "OK then, how come life was formed from a massive explosion, as explosions tend, on the whole to destroy thing, well most people only get GCSE in wood work and is not as clever as I is . The answer to this question is simple ................

The Theory Of Relativity
Einstein invented this and the atom bomb so he was an all round good bloke. As he sat under his banana tree in Oxford and the peach fell on his head he thought "For every action their is an equal and opposite reaction". In other words what Einstein invented was that every time an apple falls on his head somewhere else in the universe their is another completely different apple which wasn't falling on his head. And that meant that whenever anything happens, the completely opposite was happening as well, like I'm typing this and your not, or Aphex Twin made 54 Cymru beats and Steps didn't at exactly the same time. So when the Big Bang destroyed everything all those hundreds of years ago it also didn't at the same time. Clever or what!

I'll post part two when I have the time and inclanation .............. but don't hold your beath

My Frist Post

2005-06-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well what did you expect from me other than to start with a first post, I always wanted a Blog ............ don't know why just have, somewhere to save all the random crap I find or thing of write I don't know and maybe put my personal thoughts and views on thing

And now I have one my mind has gone a blank ......

The only link that counts http://www.anothersite.co.uk/