Home Truths

Swindon, this is Swindon


As an occasional commenter on other peoples lives I thought it was only fair to tell you something about where I live and let to comment on mine. The reader may learn much or little about much about the character, literary integrity and mental health of the author. Of Swindon, however, you will discover next to nothing
Now as any one with a monochrome of intelligence will readily concede that such a place could only exists in the minds of people that childhoods were spent in a wicker basket and grew up to be Hamster thieves, flower molesters, workers for the government or in Wiltshire and here I have collected a few bits of radical slander concerning Swindon

The town as a whole has a smell about it like the back seat of the night bus home and the origins of the town are vague as the town records are mostly filled with Saxon porn, mostly raunchy tapestries of naked flames and mice orgies and most of the family trees are elaborately forged to hide any sign of relatives from Birmingham. It's clear from the heavy accent and fondness for dishes cooked in preparation H that the towns founders followed a walking chimney called Isehard Condon Bumshell who's claim to fame is that he build a bridge out of suspenders and a boat that didn't sink but it did crash and his life can be traced through old copies of The Framley Examiner

Swindon is marked as a red splotch on all R.U.A.C. maps and finding it is meet with the same regret as the sudden death of a mad gerbil and the only people to visit are ether hopelessly lost or completely unhinged. The local beauty spot, which is more a wart called Coat Water and is a series of lakes shaped like semen stains on a porn stars breasts where you can hire inflatable seahorses and paddle to the many kidney stone shaped islands
The town itself is split into about 12 housing estates each one looking like a very large and unwell animal suffered a series of disappointing bowel movements randomly. The town council's incompetence is only bettered by there gullibility and has a mayor that is elected in a flurry of ballot box rigging every 6 weeks who is assisted in his duties by a rather large staff (as in their mostly fat) which do nothing but origami and police (emphasis on the lice) who mostly extract confessions from lamp posts or small roundabouts

Swindonians are an unattractive but annoying people. Slow, sullen and yet dull to the touch they prefer to lead simple lives of cerebral squalor. The locals seldom exceed three foot in height but can easily over power someone half there size if they used the element of surprise. Their faces have the pimpled malevolence that suggests a deep desire for obscene phone calls and when they smile their is something about the way that they wag there 12 inch tongues that make women smile and babies cry.

Their are three types of people in sunny Swindon Townies, Crusties and Carrot Crunchers so first I will start with the ..........

Carrot Crunchers
Now these prefer to live in the hill-side where they mug rabbits and worry small kittens and make living hiring themselves out as torpedoes for action man toys. They give dull parties and small presents

Townies
Most townies shorten there names and elbows and have well ordered simple lives of eating, drinking, singing, dancing and passing bad cheques. Occasionally volunteering for war as target practice, but for which side is always unclear. They give poor service and bad directions

Crusties
Crusties dress in a disguise of an itinerant grave robber and have all the charm of a cornered rat. They have long clever fingers that spend a good deal of time around the necks of small furry animals and in other peoples pockets and spend most evening playing tupping games with dim-witted quadrupeds. They give lame excuses and venereal disease

So now you know all there is to know about the land of the mini-roundabout want to tell me about where you live ?

This Years Oxygen Thief's

This is some thing I wrote in the early summer round about the Sunday after Big Brother started, but what with me fucking up my password and e-mail I never posted it, still here it is , what I thought about this years Big Brother contestants

This Years Oxygen Thief's

So for all those that are lucky not to live in this constantly rainy, beautiful isle with the hose pipe ban, have no TV after you swapped it for some magic beans (thinking they were magic mushrooms) or maybe you're blind and dumb, which begs the question how are you reading this ?? So it's with a heavy heart I can say Big Brother 7 has hit the screens. The show that we all love or hate or love to hate or in my case hate to love and hate at the same time. Now this is the seventh incarnation of the reality TV/social experiment and each year, as much as I try, I find myself drawn in more and more. i have strong suspicions that Channel 4 are using subliminal messages to make me watch more even tough each year my loathing grows of the gibbon brained oxymoronically named Housemates, as they are not mates and it not a house, it's a studio. But still watching them all parade around like a cross between circus animals and a traveling freaks and geeks show somehow makes me feel intellectually superior and a normal well adjusted person in every way. So lets have a look at this years (single) cell mates in the TV prison

Lea
Oh dear where do I start...... A whore in sluts clothing, says she is 35, whats that in years on Jupiter?? An Ex porn star no less or so she claims, but I've see plenty of ropey porn with hideously faked titted hadrians in it to make that seem plausible and I lead be believe that she was in a film call Casting Cuties, I take it they cast her in stone, because shes as old as the hills and don't get me started on their use of the word cuties!! She must be the only person on the plant that doesn't consider herself a freak, and gets upset if people criticise her oversize breasts, well don't hang them in everyone's faces then you stupid bint. She makes my eyes bleed looking at her and has more wrong with her that and corrupt African dictatorship. She looks like Pete Burns and Jackie Stallone's love child and claims to have the biggest tits in the UK, well sadly BB beat you to it as they have the biggest tits in the house this year going by the name Glyn and Pete, still I sure she could carve out a career as a presenter on Eurotrash

Bonnie
That's pronounced Bonn-eh, get over yourself you proteinous cow. Says she's sexy, funny and everything (her words not mine) well does the everything include thick, stupid and self centred. Dresses like a 12 year old that's colour blind. She was first in the house and still never made it to to of my favorites list

Richard
I wonder if many people call him Dick, I know I would. He's a Canadian which, for those not in the know are like Americans only with funny shaped heads. Says he loved big dumb men .... so that means he loves himself (no surprises their then). He looks like the Right Said Fred member that was rejected. I can see him making a career as a gay porn-star when he leaves the house

George
Is part of the royal family, which translates too is from a dysfunctional socially inept, inbreed family with little understanding of the realities of living in the real world much like you would find on Jerry Springer but with more money (but less sense). Another one of those people that claim to hate "hyper-gays" but still got on fabulously with Shahbez and the big Dick on the first night. He's a lot like watch a video of paint dry only in slow motion

Grace
A Sloane ranger which means she's superficial and materialistic. Says she doesn't do fake, apart from the tan, personality, insincerity, compassion .... lacks personality and charm and doesn't sound that posh. I've met people from Slough that sound posher. Amazing Grace ?? ... but that would only be her opinion

Shahbaz
Name like a west side rapper, acts like a backside fudge packer. His parents deserve a son like that after all they named him after a David Blane catchphrase, do you think they had another child and call it You can't beet a bit of bully. He sounds like Queer eye for the straight gay went to Balamory. Claims to be intelligent and unemployable which translates to mean lazy.

Glyn
Now this hunk of a man was voted best looking lifeguard in North Wales .... I never knew that it was that baron and desolate. Bodies not so much Baywatch more like Crime-watch. Says that boys threw stones at him when he was a kid and doesn't know why, most probably why I want to throw them at him now. With that body I'm assuming that he's the lifeguard of a children's back garden paddling pool, and he better save his energy as someone like Lea is going to eat him alive, he'd better tie a plank across his arse to stop himself from falling in. Still I can see a long career as the new Mr Mussels man after leaving

Dawn
Our first manic depressive in the house "I've got no friends, I'll die alone etc, etc ..... " but funny enough she seemed to be friendly and chatty enough with all the reprobates on the first night. With luck she'll crack and kill Shahbaz and Pete, oh fuck it she can work her way thought the lot for all I care. Wants to be reincarnated as either Hitler or Jesus which only proves she has little imagination and doesn't understand reincarnation that well. But it's nice to know that she's friendless, because that means she hasn't inflicted her dourer personality only the general public up till now

Mikey
Half Veron Key half Richard Ashcroft .......... all twat. Says his best feature is his pecks, now I've always thought that people that claim that one of their muscle groups as their best feature must be seriously lacking in any personality and charisma and he just proves me right. Uninspiring in every way

Lisa
If I'm not mistaken that's Tingtong from Little Britain. Said what you see is what you get ..... what I see is a loud mouthed Mancunian slapper. She walks like shes in need of a really big shit and sits with all the grace of a 18 stone builder and hasn't found her indoor voice yet, I'm thinking that shes sponsored by paracetamol. I just hope they don't have any tasks that involve table tennis as she would be hiding those balls in seconds and be show everyone her party trick

Imogen
She sure loves herself and thinks all men fancy her ........... so you have to wonder why she's been single for a year. Says she would most like to meet Marilyn Monroe, well with any luck Dawn might flip out and grant the Welsh strumpet her wish. Claims that her profession is a bar hostess which I always thought it's an innuendo for prostitute

Pete *wanker*
First impression is what a cock and I doubt that will change *twat*. Says he has Tourettes, I say he has a chromosome missing and had a lobotomy *git*. Had a bigger entrance than a porn-stars well worn front bottom after twenty years of service *arsehole*. 13 weeks of dancing and whistling ........ can't wait .... a non stop Jim Carrie impression but without any off switch *shit for brains* (who'd have thought that Tourettes was infectious *what a complete arse*). He could get very annoying quite quickly ......... oops he just has

Sezer
He's not a geezer more of a sleezer. Well Caesar got stabbed in the back by a bunch of people he thought were friends ........... funny how history can keep repeating it self

Nikki
Spelt with an i, Why?Says people can watch her for hours, so much like a lava lamp then. She brought in two bottles of Lambrini into the house, now if that isn't class then what is! Also says she's special well there's a class in the school near where I live that is full of special kids just like her. Dressed like a playboy bunny, nice to see shes got that myxomatosis look just right. And before she entered the house she said "I can't breath" which got my hopes up as I thought here comes the first live Big Brother death. Still if Dawn snaps she could stab them all in there sleep. As she descended the stairs into the house you could almost hear the producer saying "That's the money shot." Works as a model and promotions girl ... yet more innuendo from prostitute and I think she's just another wannabe ...... what she wants to be is beyond me


So just another rag bag collection of Chavs, pikeies and self obsessed arseholes but this year there are only 3 gay people but at least the makers have found 14 contortionists this year as they all seem to be walking around with there heads up there arses. And the audience done themselves proud again this year by booing them on the way in

Still I'm off to buy all the Kit-Kat's I can find and if I get a golden ticket then I'll give it to my mate psycho Phil who has his own axe not forgetting to hide all his Prozac just before he goes

The History Of The World Pt - 2

I told you not to hold your breath ...........

Still it only been just over a year and about for ever from my last up date

What can I say ................ I'm a lazy fuck, so sue me

So as promised hears the .................


The History Of The World Pt - 2


The Stoned Age
History is very hazy and unclear as to there is a lot of short term memory loss and all that's known is that a lot Pringles and Mars bars were eaten afterwards


The Romans
The next thing to happen was the Romans. They were a completely pathetic bunch of tossers who used to sit around in baths eating grapes, inventing central heating and straight roads. The only good thing they ever managed to do was to invent gladiators and chariot racing. But because they were so weedy the Romans had to get other people to do all the fighting for them and collect the best maniacs from all over the world like the Gauls, Visigoths, Vandals, Huns, Thugs, Picts, Celts and Rangers and people like Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan and Hulk Hogan but once they were brought to Rome they saw how utterly girly and wet the Romans were and smashed up the Coliseum and the Parthenon


The Vikings
Now the Vikings were the hardest and funniest people ever. Inventing black metal, raping, pillaging and drink larger. The Vikings drank a lot of larger and when pissed made up all sorts of things like horns on your hat and being horny, even days of the week were there idea, apart from Sunday which was made up by a load of do good bloody Christians who wanted to free publicity for Sunday schools. But after a few years they all pissed off back to Denmark in Germania land to make lots of good films about naked lesbian nuns and overly hairy housewives with bad perms and make-up that was put on by a trowel and we were left with only stupid wars over things like roses and ended up with a ginger haired King


The Industrial Revolution
Now when history teachers tell you this was a really boring period, they're lying. It was amazing and very important, anyone who says other wise needs a kick in the slabs. Because that was when all the good stuff was invented like trains, surgery, guns, tanks, synthesizers, hard and soft drugs, and DJ'ing with dance music and it all went hand in hand with the destruction of boring areas of natural landscape and woodland. Now the Greens and the save the hedgehog types who always try and stop the humane gassing of millions of little creatures to make way for nice clean 6 lane motorways and lovely dangerous chemical plants that it was a bad time but as we all know they are talking crap
And so this leads us to the modern age and the 3 best things ever
1) Thoughts tiny little plastic tables with 3 legs that you find in pizza boxes which are always handy if you have small mice round of tea
2) Blogging
3) Everything else

So if like me you like to get totally mashed while watching your favourite film on pirate DVD while driving down the motorway at 100 mph and listening to the radio on your i-pod headset at the same time as you phone your multimedia adviser on your G3 Blue Tooth W.A.P hands free phone and simultaneously surf the net for porn on your laptop while having neurosurgery performed on you by robots then this truly is our golden age ............... Enjoy it while it lasts