Home Truths

Swindon, this is Swindon


As an occasional commenter on other peoples lives I thought it was only fair to tell you something about where I live and let to comment on mine. The reader may learn much or little about much about the character, literary integrity and mental health of the author. Of Swindon, however, you will discover next to nothing
Now as any one with a monochrome of intelligence will readily concede that such a place could only exists in the minds of people that childhoods were spent in a wicker basket and grew up to be Hamster thieves, flower molesters, workers for the government or in Wiltshire and here I have collected a few bits of radical slander concerning Swindon

The town as a whole has a smell about it like the back seat of the night bus home and the origins of the town are vague as the town records are mostly filled with Saxon porn, mostly raunchy tapestries of naked flames and mice orgies and most of the family trees are elaborately forged to hide any sign of relatives from Birmingham. It's clear from the heavy accent and fondness for dishes cooked in preparation H that the towns founders followed a walking chimney called Isehard Condon Bumshell who's claim to fame is that he build a bridge out of suspenders and a boat that didn't sink but it did crash and his life can be traced through old copies of The Framley Examiner

Swindon is marked as a red splotch on all R.U.A.C. maps and finding it is meet with the same regret as the sudden death of a mad gerbil and the only people to visit are ether hopelessly lost or completely unhinged. The local beauty spot, which is more a wart called Coat Water and is a series of lakes shaped like semen stains on a porn stars breasts where you can hire inflatable seahorses and paddle to the many kidney stone shaped islands
The town itself is split into about 12 housing estates each one looking like a very large and unwell animal suffered a series of disappointing bowel movements randomly. The town council's incompetence is only bettered by there gullibility and has a mayor that is elected in a flurry of ballot box rigging every 6 weeks who is assisted in his duties by a rather large staff (as in their mostly fat) which do nothing but origami and police (emphasis on the lice) who mostly extract confessions from lamp posts or small roundabouts

Swindonians are an unattractive but annoying people. Slow, sullen and yet dull to the touch they prefer to lead simple lives of cerebral squalor. The locals seldom exceed three foot in height but can easily over power someone half there size if they used the element of surprise. Their faces have the pimpled malevolence that suggests a deep desire for obscene phone calls and when they smile their is something about the way that they wag there 12 inch tongues that make women smile and babies cry.

Their are three types of people in sunny Swindon Townies, Crusties and Carrot Crunchers so first I will start with the ..........

Carrot Crunchers
Now these prefer to live in the hill-side where they mug rabbits and worry small kittens and make living hiring themselves out as torpedoes for action man toys. They give dull parties and small presents

Townies
Most townies shorten there names and elbows and have well ordered simple lives of eating, drinking, singing, dancing and passing bad cheques. Occasionally volunteering for war as target practice, but for which side is always unclear. They give poor service and bad directions

Crusties
Crusties dress in a disguise of an itinerant grave robber and have all the charm of a cornered rat. They have long clever fingers that spend a good deal of time around the necks of small furry animals and in other peoples pockets and spend most evening playing tupping games with dim-witted quadrupeds. They give lame excuses and venereal disease

So now you know all there is to know about the land of the mini-roundabout want to tell me about where you live ?